Dumbass Sayings: “I’m (Number of Days) Sober!”

Sometimes you’ll meet an old high school classmate and you’ll ask how they are and they say “Fine! I’m 258 days sober!” This is supposed to be some kind of achievement. If you’re counting every single day since your last drink, you still have a problem. On the other hand, if you don’t remember how […]

Ask McFartnuggets: “I Think I Have Aixelsyd?”

Dear McFartnuggets: So I was on WebMD trying to do a diagnosis on myself. I put in all my symptoms and it suggested that I have Aixelsyd. I’ve never heard of this before. Whenever I search for it I find very little information. Is this a real condition or is it some kind of glitch? […]

Dumbass Sayings: “Pretty Please with Sprinkles on Top!”

Sometimes a woman will ask you a favor and when you stare at her with a blank face she says “Pretty please! With SPRINKLES ON TOP!” Like that’s supposed to entice me and change my mind? Oh I’ll do it, but only if your please is pretty enough! Put lots of makeup on that please […]

Ask McFartnuggets: “Is a Woody During a Checkup Normal?”

Dear McFartnuggets: So I got a new job recently and part of the hiring process is I had to get a physical check up exam done. I haven’t had one of these since I was a kid so I had no idea what to expect or what was normal. I told the doctor I was […]

Dumbass Sayings: “Putting Lipstick on a Pig”

There’s an old saying from Tennessee, I know it’s from Texas, but it’s also from Tennessee that says “You can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig!” The idea is that you can cover up a problem, but it’s still a problem underneath. But putting all that aside, what I want to […]

Ask McFartnuggets: “How Can You Tell When a Woman is Flirting with You?”

Dear McFartnuggets: Hey one of my biggest challenges in life is that I never know when a woman is flirting with me. I’ll read all the signs I think are signs and then later come to find that she didn’t like me at all and was just being polite. It’s crazy though because I thought […]

Dumbass Sayings: “Always Leave Them Wanting More”

There’s a famous saying in show business “Always leave them wanting more!” If you treat sex like performance art as I do then there’s a big problem here. If you’ve ever had an issue with premature ejaculation then you know how invalid this advice is. In the case of sexual intercourse it’s best to leave […]

Ask McFartnuggets: “What’s Better Creamy or Chunky Peanut Butter?”

Dear McFartnuggets: I keep arguing with my wife over what’s better: creamy peanut butter or chunky peanut butter. She says creamy is the best, but I say chunky is. This is threatening to tear our marriage apart. I know it sounds nuts, but we take our peanut butter very seriously here. Obviously we have some […]

Dumbass Sayings: “Enjoy Your Meal!”

When you go out to eat at a restaurant you’re seated and given a menu by a server. The server then takes your order, brings the food from the kitchen to your table, and before they leave they say “Enjoy your meal!” This is supposed to be a nice polite thing to say, but look, […]

Ask McFartnuggets: “When Will Something Finally Be Done About Gun Control?”

Dear McFartnuggets: Every damn week there’s a new mass shooting or public shooting or crazed gunman in the news. It used to be once a year, then once a month, now once a week, soon maybe once a day! When is someone going to do something about gun control? People say it’s a mental health […]

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