One day every thing that can ever be written or thought (no matter how fucking stupid or ridiculous) will be written or thought. Only then will humanity be complete and we can all die in peace. This is my contribution.
Whenever someone dies in the middle of a baseball game or community theater production the people involved have to consider stopping the show to mourn the dead or to keep going in their honor. Inevitably someone says “NO! He would have wanted us to keep going! He would have wanted the show to continue!” Then […]
Read More Dumbass Sayings: “He Would Have Wanted This”Dear McFartnuggets: I hear Asian people like Chinese and Japanese now calling themselves “East Asians.” Is that the new politically correct term? Is calling people simply plain ol’ “Asian” now racist or something? I stopped calling them Oriental and started calling them Asian and now Asian is a bad word? Isn’t East Asian a little […]
Read More Ask McFartnuggets: “Is There Such Thing as West Asians?”When you’re a kid and you see a guy with a beard sitting on a bench with a bag of candy he says “Come over here, kiddo. I don’t bite!” Oh well isn’t that a relief! Glad I won’t get bitten here. I got news for ya, freakass. No one’s worried about you biting. People […]
Read More Dumbass Sayings: “I Don’t Bite”When you’re spending your first night in prison you feel like you have to make a strong statement that you ain’t gonna be nobody’s bitch. So you look for the scariest dude up in there and try to prove a point by beating them senseless. Before you do, a wise old inmate says “Hey, fish! […]
Read More Dumbass Sayings: “You Attract More Flies with Honey Than Vinegar”When you’re a child you get away with a lot of behaviors that you can’t as an adult. The weird thing is there’s no rule book for what childish behaviors are acceptable as an adult and which aren’t so you usually have to make the mistakes first and be socially persecuted for them. To help […]
Read More The Top 5 Things That Stop Being Acceptable as You Get OlderWhen your wife leaves you and takes the kids and moves to Montana someone always tries to cheer you up by saying “Hey at least you still have your health!” This is such a bullshit way to try and cheer someone up. First of all, it never works. It never works! Why do people say […]
Read More Dumbass Sayings: “At Least You Still Have Your Health”When you’re going around work telling people how you just got engaged some people scoff at you and Janet rolls her eyes back to the back of her head and says “Oh my god I couldn’t care less!” That phrase always tickled me as silly. So if there was something you cared about a lot […]
Read More Dumbass Sayings: “I Couldn’t Care Less”Dear McFartnuggets: Hey why does god make some animals taste delicious and others not? He must know that we would murder the delicious ones like cows and chickens and leave alone the bad tasting ones like cats and mice. Humans don’t taste too good and we know god loves us. Does god have something against […]
Read More Ask McFartnuggets: “Does God Hate Delicious Animals?”Whenever you see a couple they’re always saying things like “What do you want for breakfast, pumpkin?” “Oh I don’t know, let’s go to Dunkin and get a spiced pumpkin latte, my little pumpkin!” Why do people call their loved ones “pumpkin”? Pumpkins aren’t lovable. They’re fat, lumpy, hard, borderline tasteless squash that people jam […]
Read More Dumbass Sayings: “Pumpkin”Dear McFartnuggets: One of the biggest problems I have in life is having public bathroom toilet water splash into my butthole when I take a dump. Someone suggested I put toilet paper into the bowl first, but when I poop on top of that it ends up being too much and I usually clog up the […]
Read More Ask McFartnuggets: “How Do I Keep Toilet Water From Splashing Up Into My Bum?”
McFartnuggets' Dune of Derangement 