Ask McFartnuggets: “How Come In ‘Home Alone’ Kevin Doesn’t Just Call The Cops?”

Kevin didn’t want thedeath penalty. Dear McFartnuggets: How come in the movie “Home Alone” Kevin McAllister doesn’t just call the cops when the robbers are trying to break into his house and kill him? Wouldn’t just one simple phone call have solved that whole problem? Why didn’t the robbers account for this as a possibility? […]

Dumbass Sayings: “Clap Along If You Feel Like A Room Without A Roof”

Not exactly a time tobe clapping. In the famous Pharrell Williams song “Happy”, there’s a line that goes “Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof.” Apparently this is another way to describe the emotion of hapiness, but I don’t see how that makes any sense. Having a roof is good. That’s […]

Ask McFartnuggets: “Does America Lose in the World Cup on Purpose?”

Dear McFartnuggets: The United States is going to face Ghana in the World Cup and they will probably lose. They always lose to Ghana. I think they lose on purpose because Ghana is not as wealthy of a country. The people of Ghana don’t have as much to look forward to and enjoy as the […]

Dumbass Sayings: “Money Can’t Buy Love”

People always like to tell you “Money can’t buy love.” There might be some truth to that, but for the most part it’s a completely foolish statement. Of course money can buy love! What do you think prostitution is? Money can buy you a mail order bride too. Money can most certainly purchase love. Money […]

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Is Pubic Hair So Curly?”

Curliness gives your hair some character. Dear McFartnuggets: Why is pubic hair so curly? What is the evolutionary purpose of curly pubes? — Bernard from Chicago, Illinois Dear Bernard: The reason why pubes are curly is a mystery that baffles scientists to this day. All we can do is guess, but I would say the reason is […]

Dumbass Sayings: “Expect the Unexpected”

Sometimes when you’re making love to a woman you just met, her husband (who you didn’t know existed) will pop up in the back seat of the car holding a knife and say “EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED!” Usually you’re too busy screaming and trying to get out of the car to think about what that saying […]

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Do People Wish On A Shooting Star?”

Rocks can grant wishesIF they’re from space. Dear McFartnuggets: What’s this business of making a wish when you see a shooting star? I don’t understand what that’s all about. Why do people do this? Whenever I see some kids wishing on a shooting star I want to ask them “What the hell are you little […]

Five Strange Ways To Cure Constipation

Sometimes getting from 1 to 5is harder than it should be. When you’re badly constipated you look for any way to get regular. Most people try Metamucil or other fiber and drinking a lot of water. If that’s not working for you, there are a lot of other strange ways to try and cure your […]

Ask McFartnuggets: “How Can I Teach My Son Not To Be Scared of Lightning?”

What’s so scaryabout that? Dear McFartnuggets: My 7-year-old son has a crippling fear or lightning. Whenever there’s a storm he runs to me and starts bawling his eyes out. For the past few years I’ve been able to deal with it and I thought it was cute, but with more extreme summer weather events occurring […]

Dumbass Sayings: “That’s Funny”

If something’s funnyjust laugh. When you get done telling someone about the time you were almost killed at the circus by a rampaging elephant sometimes the person will say “That’s funny.” I have a big problem with this. You don’t need to say “That’s funny.” We already have a way of saying “That’s funny” it’s […]

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