Ask McFartnuggets: “How Can I Wipe My Dog’s Ass?”

Dear McFartnuggets: My dog is a good, sweet dog. She doesn’t bite or attack or go in the house. But sometimes, she scoots her butt on the floor as if to clean it off. They say you’re supposed to wipe their butts, one problem though, I do not want to touch a dog butt, don’t […]

Dumbass Sayings: “Things Are Looking Up”

Sometimes when your cousin Teddy comes out of meth rehab and gets a call for a job interview at Safeway, he says “Things are starting to look up!” Why is this a saying? Rarely anything good comes from looking up. Just when you think things are looking up, a pigeon shits in your mouth. Have […]

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Are Food Serving Sizes on Nutrition Facts So Small?”

Dear McFartnuggets: Have you ever noticed how food serving sizes on the nutrition facts of food are so damn small? A serving size of Oreos is like two or three cookies. Who the hell only eats two or three Oreos in a single sitting? I eat eight before I even sit down to start a […]

Dumbass Sayings: “I’m On Top of The World!”

Sometimes you see a man running in the street naked screaming “I’M ON TOP OF THE WOOOOOOOORRRRLDDDD!” Apparently he’s feeling happy, but being on top of the world is nothing to brag about. We’re all on top of the world. Unless you’re a subterranean mole person, you’re on the surface of the planet which counts […]

Ask McFartnuggets: "How Do I Know If My Dog is Depressed?"

Dear McFartnuggets: My dog Nicholas is a yorkie-german shepherd mix and he’s been very tired lately. He isn’t quite as active as he normally is. I’ve heard that dog depression is a real condition. How can I tell if my dog is depressed? — Leonore from Memphis, Tennessee Dear Leonore: Dog depression is a real thing, […]

Extremely Spooky Banned Toothpaste Commercial

Here is a very disturbing advertisement featuring everyone’s favorite creepy old toothpaste guy. This was the first time he revealed that he was in fact a powerful wizard and claimed the first of what would eventually become an army of souls.

Dumbass Sayings: “I Wouldn’t Put it Past You”

When someone at work complains that someone ate their sandwich and they’re going around trying to find the culprit sometimes they look at you and say “I don’t think you did it, but I wouldn’t put it past you…” What the hell is this supposed to mean? Does anyone ever put something past someone? And […]

The Top 10 Weirdest Names To Give To A Female Cat

Certain names just feel weird to give to a cat. Obviously calling a cat “Buttpirate McGuillicutty” is weird, but I’m talking about somewhat normal names that you wouldn’t assume are awkward yet for some reason just don’t feel right when attached to a feline. Here are the top 10 weirdest names to give to a […]

Dumbass Sayings: “Grow As A Person”

Sometimes when you run into an old friend they tell you that they’ve been in therapy for the past few years and they’ve had some “breakthroughs” and they’ve really “grown as a person.” I always groan when I hear this because they’re using this term incorrectly. What they mean to say is they’ve grown as […]

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Do People Say I’m Sorry After Someone Dies?”

Dear McFartnuggets: How come when a person tells co-workers that their fiance died from a heroin overdose everyone says “I’m sorry!” Why the hell do I have to say I’m sorry? I didn’t kill them! If I did then obviously an apology would be in good order, but I had nothing to do with their […]

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