Dumbass Sayings: “Dog Person/Cat Person”

Sometimes when you catch your uncle drunkenly shitting in the local elementary school’s playground sandbox your aunt will say “Well, he is a cat person…” One of the most bizarre things about contemporary life is how we classify everyone as either a “dog person” or a “cat person.” When people ask me if I’m a […]

Ask McFartnuggets: “How Do I Get That Last Little Bit of Poop Out?”

Dear McFartnuggets: I’ve been pooping for the better part of 36 years now and I still can’t figure out what to do when I get that little bit of poop stuck right inside my butthole I don’t know what happens, it’s like it’s stuck in anal purgatory. It’s too small for gravity to take effect […]

Dumbass Sayings: “All is Fair in Love and War”

The English poet John Lyly is credited with the proverb “All is fair in love and war.” Lyly was alive during the 16th century so he never got to see what war or love would transform into. Since his death we’ve had World War II, Vietnam, the Iraq War and internet porn so it’s understandable […]

A Possible New Solution For Climate Change

Whales play a tremendous role in our ecosystem. We all know they eat krill and take huge shits, but did you know that the nitrogen in the whale shit actually helps regulate our planet? Whales come to the surface of the ocean to poop and it’s a good thing they do because the nitrates in […]

Dumbass Sayings: “What Seems To Be The Problem, Officer?

Whenever you get pulled over wearing women’s underpants over your face with a blood alcohol level ten times the legal limit you usually say “What seems to be the problem, officer?” At least that’s what you think you just said. In reality you actually said something more like “What semen cement to the problem ossifer?” […]

Ask McFartnuggets: "Why Are We Still Using Pizza Boxes To Transport Pizzas?"

Dear McFartnuggets: Why the hell are we still stuck using pizza boxes as the method to transport pizzas? Have you ever had to take a pizza home and walk with a pizza box? It’s ridiculous. You have to hold it like a dumbass waiter and avoid bumping into people. It’s like walking around with a […]

Dumbass Sayings: “Six Free Yeast Rolls”

Golden Corral buffet is currently promoting a “Six free yeast rolls” deal where you get six bread rolls to take home after you pay for two adults. First off, “yeast rolls” is what I called my ex-wife’s stomach fat. If you could smell what was growing under those rolls you’d understand. And let’s get another […]

Ask McFartnuggets: “Do I Still Have The Right to Freeze Peach?”

Dear McFartnuggets: I always hear people talking about Americans’ right to freeze peach and freedom of depress. I understand I have the right to be depressed, but what is my right to freeze peach? Why were the forefathers so concerned with frozen fruit? And now these radical Islamic groups are threatening our right to freeze […]

Dumbass Sayings: ”Rules Were Made To Be Broken”

When you were in high school and some of your colleagues were smoking reefer in the girls bathroom you said “Hey that’s against the rules!” to which they replied “Rules were made to be broken…” Umm no. No they weren’t. If that were the case why even bother making rules to begin with? Clearly rules […]

Ask McFartnuggets: "Is Throwing A Snowball Considered Assault?"

Dear McFartnuggets: Last night a group of local hoodlums were throwing snowballs at people walking on the sidewalk and they hit one old lady in the face and ran away. I was tempted to call the cops, but the woman claimed to be okay. Is that technically an assault felony? Would I have been right […]

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